“Light tomorrow with today!” Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Another Five Minute Friday.

Prompt: Light

When we first decided to move to Cape Town, people warned me about the weather. About how cold and wet and dank and miserable winter in the Mother City can be. So of course we decided to move just in time for winter. Well, it’s not quite winter yet. More like autumn. But the wet weather has certainly started.

In fact, there have been quite a few days of wet, wintry, windy (ye Gods, the wind!) weather. Dark mornings saturated with cold and drizzle.

And yet all I feel is light. It’s like bright, beautiful, yellow, early-morning sun shining into my consciousness.

Light. Weightless. Like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

Light, lit from within, a fire and passion for life – for love – rekindled.

Because for the first time in many years, I feel safe. And welcome. And like I am a part of something greater than myself – a community.

No matter that it hasn’t been easy to make a move of this magnitude. No matter that I miss my friends and family every day. No matter that I’m realising how much I loved the house I left behind, and how hard it is to rent.

Because even though this is hard – so hard – and should threaten to drop me into the subterranean darkness of all-too-familiar depression, I still feel so much lighter than I did in Joburg. In every possible way.  And I can feel a change in our family. Somehow, we have more time. For each other, for ourselves, for those around us.

I would hate to be one of the naysayers to leave a city and then spout negativity about it, especially since I think that Joburg still has something going for it.

So all I will say is this: I think they call it the Mother City for a reason, because I already feel nurtured here. It’s like the soft beach soil that clings to my son’s feet holds some nutrient that I didn’t know that we needed or were missing until we got here.  So as I find the strength to slough off the skin of jadedness, insularity and distrust that I managed to acquire in almost 15 years in the City of Gold, I welcome the new (old) me.

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”

― Martin Luther King Jr., A Testament of Hope: The Essential Writings and Speeches

Bravery in the absence of fear isn’t really bravery at all

“Bran thought about it. “Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?”
“That is the only time a man can be brave,” his father told him.”
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

A Five Minute Friday prompt from The Gypsy Mama that I finally feel brave enough to post. I did write this on a Friday, though. In 5 minutes.

For those that don’t know what the Five Minute Friday prompt is, here’s what Gypsy Mama Lisa-Jo says about it: “Around here we write for five minutes flat on Fridays. We finger paint with words. We try to remember what it was like to just write without worrying if it’s just right or not. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.”

 The prompt: BRAVE

Right now, I need to be braver than I’ve needed to be for a long time.

I’m just made a cross country move with my family, to a city in which I have never lived and only know a very few people. I’m scared. And because I was the one who pushed for this move, I feel as though I have to be brave for my husband and son. That’s really hard when you want to burst into tears at inopportune moments, at the thought of leaving your friends and family behind.

You see, I’ve never been very good at making friends. I’m shy and find it so super hard to put myself out there. And I’m chronically insecure, so even if I do manage to put myself out there and meet new people, I assume that they’re just being nice or polite and that they don’t Really want to be my friend.

And once I have made friends, it would seem that I’m not particularly good at keeping them. I’m selfish and self-absorbed and prone to depression which makes me withdraw from the world because I don’t want anyone to see me weak. And because I’m so disorganised I’m often unintentionally thoughtless and forget people’s birthdays and anniversaries and kids birthdays and first days of school and all the other stuff you’re supposed to remember. And when I don’t know what the right thing to say is, I don’t say anything at all. Because I don’t want to upset my friends even more or make them think of stuff that makes them unhappy, and this makes it seem like I don’t care when someone is going through a hard time and needs my support. I’m also not very perceptive, so if my friend’s need a shoulder to cry on they need to be pretty explicit and tell me so. Apparently, I’m a pretty shit friend, as has recently been pointed out to me in all its grisly and painful detail.

And this makes me even more afraid, because if this is how the people who have known me for a decade feel, how the hell am I going to make and keep New friends in a new city?!

Be Still, My Beating Heart

If you’ve visited this blog before, you know that my favourite blogger, The Gypsy Mama runs a challenge every Friday called ‘Five Minute Friday’. She throws out a prompt and the rest of us, “stop, drop and write for five minutes”. I think that I’m also supposed to do some fiddly things with link-backs, but I haven’t quite figured out how to do that.

 

The prompt for this week is “Still” and my contribution is dedicated to a man that I suspect I’ve been taking for granted lately…

 

Here it is:

Still.

Together.

Still together.

 

It’s been a long time that we two have been muddling through life as a couple. And I’m so glad that we’re still figuring it out together. Thank you for being so willing to figure out the way that will work best for us, for being open to forging new paths.

 

In the beginning, no-one thought that we would make it – we were too young, too different, too co-dependent, too inexperienced. And yet here we are – still together. Thank you for proving them wrong with me.

 

We’ve made it through some terrible times – infidelity, insecurity, addiction, recovery, depression, financial woes. And still we face the tough times hand in hand. Thank you for not giving up, even when I did.

 

We have shared so many firsts – our first real jobs, my first car, our first home, our first child, your first business. And there are so many firsts ahead of us. Things never get boring with you, because you’re always looking for new adventures and helping me to overcome my fear of the unknown. Thank you for making me braver (and for forcing me to use some of my tickets).

 

There have been times of absolute chaos – seven kittens and one cat in a flat, three kids in a two-bedroom house. And still the chaos gusts about us as we try to find our calm, cuddled on the couch with no need to speak. Thank you for being willing to open your heart and home to me and mine, even when all you wanted was a quiet place to rest.

 

15 years ago, I knew you were the one. I felt at peace with you. You never put any pressure on me to say or do (or be) anything other than what is true to who I am. And you instinctively understand what that is, like a romantic hero from the books that I devour (and you kind of despise).

 

In the midst of all my craziness you are still, and in your stillness I find love and serenity.

 

You are still my calm, my refuge, my strength, my sanctuary.

 

And I am still giddily, gloriously, head-over-heels in love with you.

Five Minute Friday: I feel most loved when…

One of my favourite bloggers, The Gypsy Mama runs a challenge every Friday called ‘Five Minute Friday’. Gypsy Mama gives a prompt and you, the writer, “simply stop, drop and write for five minutes flat!” You then link back to her site and check out the efforts of the other brave writers.

I’ve wanted to participate for a few weeks but have never quite worked up the nerve or found the time (pathetic, I know, since it is just 5 minutes). This week the prompt really resonated with me as I am really trying to take time to be grateful for all that I have in my life. One of the things I am most grateful for is how much love I have in my life. So here is my Five Minute Friday contribution (a little late).

I feel most loved when:

My husband gives me that look. The one that I know means that he thinks I’m smart and gorgeous and funny. The look that tells me how proud he is of me and all my achievements and triumphs – the big and the small. I feel most loved when he has complete faith in me, even when I don’t. The look that says “I want you. All of you. For who and what you are and not for what you give me. Just for yourself.”

I feel most loved when I collect my son from school or a play-date or a visit to Gran and his face lights up because Mom has arrived. When he leaps up and rushes over to hug me, I feel great big lashings of unconditional love. When he hides behind the tiniest toy just so that I will ‘find’ him, I feel love. When he cuddles up to me at night and gives me a triumphant but sleepy grin because he knows that he should be in his own bed and not mine, I feel loved.

I feel most loved when I Skype my family half way across the world and I can see and hear the joy that I have given them, just by taking the time to connect with them. When I share the boring, everyday details of my life, like what I made for dinner, and they are interested – truly interested – simply because it makes them feel closer to me, I feel loved.

I feel most loved when I meet my best friend for a drink or we call each other and even though it feels like we haven’t seen each other for ages, there is no awkwardness. There is no need to spend ages giving each other background stories or explaining how and why we reacted to a situation. Because we know each other so well that regardless of where we are in our lives, we understand each other.

I feel most loved when I am with the people I love – the family that I was born into and the family that I have chosen.