There is cricket on at the moment. I don’t know if it’s a single test match or a series. To be honest, I don’t really know what the difference is. What I do know is that nothing highlights the difference between my husband and I more than cricket being screened on the telly.
First off, how is it that an intelligent man can fail to understand that the players and commentators can’t hear him? The only person who can hear him yelling “Morkel you beauty!” is me, usually as I try to steal a few minutes of quiet time. Also, how can he not know – after almost 15 years of being together – that no matter how hard he tries to sell the excitement of Hashim Amla hitting a 6, I will Never Be Interested. I’d understand if he actually wanted to take me to the stadium, where I could enjoy the atmosphere (and a beer in one of those giant plastic cups), but on TV it’s just a bunch of tiny guys in green standing around (in dodgy sunglasses).
Secondly, why does he need so many snacks?! And why can’t he go to the kitchen to get them himself? Do his legs fall off when the broadcast begins? He Says that he doesn’t want to take the chance of missing someone taking a wicket (I think that’s the term), but that certainly doesn’t stop him from falling asleep all the time.
And what is up with the falling asleep? Is this something hard-coded into male DNA? I suspect so, as my son – who never sleeps – is out in minutes if you put him in front of the cricket. This has to be a fundamental difference between men and women. When a woman is as interested in something as my husband claims to be in the cricket, we actually Watch it. You never catch me falling asleep in the middle of House. Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally in favour of and grateful for the sport’s soporific effects. It has provided much-needed ‘me time’ on many occasions. I also plan to record a match and use it as the world’s most effective sleep training tool. I just don’t understand why I’m not allowed to change the channel or watch a movie, just so that he can fall asleep on the couch. If he’s tired, surely a bed would be more comfortable? Although I do understand that watching cricket on TV is so boring that it takes the strength of Hulk to Not fall asleep. All I’m saying is, do it on somebody else’s furniture and let me watch re-runs of Supernatural.
Lastly – and I don’t know if all men do this or if it is just my husband – how can he go on and on about the ‘special effects’ but still not think its worth it to go and see the new Harry Potter at the cinema. Now Those are special effects. Not the batsman’s wagon wheel. Or those multi-coloured line thingies that show where the bowler has thrown the ball. I will admit that its pretty cool when they slow things down into bullet time. They just don’t do it nearly often enough to keep me interested. Even if they did, I’d just be watching a cricketer hit a ball really slowly. And let’s face it – cricket is boring enough without having to watch it in slow motion.
Suffice it to say, I cannot Wait for cricket season to be over. Although I’m sure that that just means the start of the rugby and/or soccer season. Sigh.
Edited to add: I’ve just been told about the Cricket World Cup. I might have to convert the dining room into a second lounge, with an extra TV.